SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me 59 male
Wife 57f
We have 5 kids 2 girls 3 boys and 17 wonderful grandchildren.
We meet after her first marriage ended we have been married for 36 years and I just found out my wife has had five affairs and i have never felt so much pain.the first affair was 2 months after we first meet it was with a guy twice her age she was 21 years old,the 2nd one was on our wedding day with my farther at the reception,the 3rd was also with my farther six months after we got married this lasted for a year and half he also got her pregnant this time but she ended up losing it.The 4th time was you gest it my farther again this time it was fo 4 months,the 5th was about 8 years later she was drunk and had sex with a stranger.I am at a loss to what to do I am tried to forget but it's just to much even for me just don't know what to do anymore...

What a brutal double betrayal. I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

I really don't have much advice in this case. You should get out of that M and get therapy for betrayal trauma. Sending strength.

I’m so sorry.

Just wanted to let you know you have been heard.

God your story is so terrible.

It’s understandable you don’t know what to do.

I have no idea what you do.

The only thing I can suggest is to find some therapy immediately.

You have been hit with an unbelievable trauma.

You can’t handle this by yourself.

You don’t have to answer but how did you find all this out?

What is your wife’s current reaction?

Don’t know if this is the right answer and taking your time before you take action is really a good idea. But maybe you need to expose this to her’s and your family.

The only thing I know is you need help. You can’t get through this alone.

Professional help is the one thing that may help in the immediate without changing your present situation too much.

God I’m so sorry.

1. See an attorney or 3. Learn your rights her obligations and what a D or S would look like for you. Since you are older you need to understand how this could impact your retirement.

2. See your Dr. This is most likely the most stressful thing you have ever been through. Again your age can cause everything to act up high blood pressure, heart health, anxiety management, of course STD testing. If you aren't sleeping or eating which is common your Dr can help with medication. You have to make your health and well being your number 1 priority because no one else will. Also ask for a referral for a quality therapist that manages trauma and betrayal well. Don't ask about infidelity, that's her issue not yours.

3. Understand that nothing you did or did not do caused this. She is a broken person who clearly does what she wants because she can. You can't fix her. She has to want to do that and a lifetime of lies and cheating most likely won't be something she want to fix.

4. Read the healing library, check out the 180. You may need to implement it to protect yourself.

She betrayed you with your father. I don’t know how you endured that. More than once.

I am so sorry for you. She’s a serial cheater. She’s most likely not going to change.

She’s not doing it to hurt you — she’s doing it because there is something wrong with her and she makes poor choices. Again and again.

She gets away with it which makes her continue the behavior. Because she counts on there being no consequences.

So sorry for you. Maybe some professional counseling will help you.

RUN !!!

What a horrific double betrayal. You say you just found out. It appears from your description that your WW was already divorced at age 20. Then she had multiple A’s prior to and close after your wedding at her age of 21, and then a drunken ONS eight years later in her early to mid-30’s. Is this what you understand? Did she confess recently? She is 57 now, are you to believe that she has no further infidelity for the last twenty+ years?

Whatever the story this is horrific. Most importantly, take care of you. Do get professional help. See your Dr. Please read in the healing library. Strength to you.

My god, your wayward wife and your father have committed the ultimate betrayal against you. How sure are you that all of your children are yours, and not your half siblings?

Wow. So sorry you are here. The betrayal of a wife and your father is rough and I can only imagine that extra layer of pain.

Clearly your WW is a serial cheater - you should seriously consider getting out of the marriage. While it's possible for a serial cheater to reform, it's unlikely.

Take some deep breaths, assess the situation and get away from her.

Best wishes.

A couple of pointers:

This is a serious betrayal – a serious trauma. There is no way you can deal with it alone or without professional help. Go talk to your doctor and/or a mental health specialist for guidance on the next step of YOUR healing. Note I don’t say her healing or the marriage healing – YOUR healing. Get some individual counseling (IC).
Please – if nothing else then follow the above advice. Many of us "older" men think talking to a psychologist or therapist automatically means we are weak or crazy. What you have been through is the equivalent of being run over by a train and hesitating to get professional help is akin to crawling into a dark corner to lick your wounds.

Remember: This is not your fault. There is nothing that you did that made her have this need to cheat. Nothing you did that made your father cheat with her and on you.
Remember: This is not normal, sane action. There probably was little to indicate she would do this, and for most of us the discovery of infidelity is down to accident or mistakes they make rather than we realize what’s going on. Being blind, trusting her and not expecting her to cheat is about as normal as not expecting her to be a Martian.

Do talk to an attorney. I’m not saying you should divorce, but it’s sticking your head in the sand, limiting the options and refusing a powerful tool to reconcile (if that was what you wanted) by not accepting that divorce is a possible outcome. You want to know what it would look like because that can remove fear of the unknown. Plus it might give you time to clarify issues and clean up past messes before you were to file (like cleaning up debt that would otherwise be shared or land half on your plate, clarify pensions etc.)

Her actions are not sane. She too needs professional help. I would suggest that you make that a requirement, and I would try my best to be in on the first meeting with a therapist. I am guessing she has shame for her actions and/or doesn’t see this as a present issue. If she went to IC she would make it about other issues rather than her repeated need for infidelity. I would want to sit in on the first session simply to let the IC know you two are there because she has done 1-2-3 and so on.

Later – like maybe 3-6 months into both of you having successful IC you two need marriage counseling if you want to reconcile and/or if you haven’t filed. If you aren’t sure at the six month mark whether you want this marriage or not you still want MC simply to get back on track and to get focus – be that focus to reconcile or that focus to divorce. What you don’t want to do is learn to live with this great big purple elephant of infidelity sharing your home.

Wonder about an annulment. She had sex with your father before you had a chance to consummate the marriage. Even though it was years ago this is new to you.
See an atty.

Welcome to SI.

Nice to meet you but so sorry you need to be here.

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

OMG she had an A with your father.

I agree with what the others have said .

Get away from her.

Thanks for all the advice I will be talking to a lawyer soon to discuss my option.Ive talked to my children about this and they support me 100%.I just need to do the right thing for myself at my age it will be hard to trust anyone agian.But who knows what the future holds agian thank you all Mike..

I just dont understand how some people can be this cruel and then live decades with another person knowing the sins they committed. I feel disgusted at the situation she has put you in. Infedility itself causes horrendous trauma but the ultimate betrayal of your father and your wife is just beyond mind blowing. You deserve so much better. Shes had ample opportunies to tell you earlier on the marriage but because of her selfish nature shes chose to withhold this information all your married life. Please do look after yourself and start putting yourself. People like us who believe in fedility are the ones that end up forgiving and giving chances but then living the rest of our life with the heartache. You need to start being selfish and start putting your needs before hers. Start being kind to yourself.

I know if you D it will not be easy. However don’t sell yourself short.

My grandmother was widowed 3x. Three amazing husbands. Third H she met and married in her late 70s.

I’m so sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:50 PM, Thursday, October 13th]

Just curious, how did you find out ? Did she or your father confess ? Did anyone else tell you ?. If I was you I would probably DNA the children.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:46 AM, Friday, October 14th]

This is an anonymous site. You might want to remove any identifying information. Good luck.

Just wondering how you found out. Did she confess all these betrayals at the same time?

At this point, you being 59 and she 57, there's only two positives; she won't get pregnant and your dad's too old for this crap by now. However, it won't keep her from straying with whomever pays attention to her. I assume she does it because she claims you don't show any love or affection to her. Maybe I'm wrong.

My advice? Look at your financial situation and determine what you want to do from there. There's absolutuely no way she's going to change her behavior. The best you can hope for is that she doesn't drain your bank account and leave you penniless. Take action to ensure you are protected financially. Then, live your life your own way.

I don't think I have ever advised this, but if I were you, I would focus on being a great papaw to the grandchildren and tell her that you are going to do what you want (sexually) since she is obviously doing what she wants. You no longer have a marriage; you're just sharing the same roof. The love is gone. At least on her end.

Divorce or separation will accomplish very little in my opinion, but if that's what she wants, then let her have it but make her do all the work. What she has done to you over the years is disgusting; what your father has done is disgusting. They deserve no attention from you. If you're the breadwinner, put her on a tight budget. If she's the breadwinner, I guess you'll just have to suck it up. Be brave and be bold.